I'm not suicidal, I swear. I just found myself standing on the top of a parking garage, one of those huge monstrosities you find at malls, looking out over the edge and wondering what my splattered body would look like.
I rarely go to the mall. I don't like the crowds there, the people all packed together. It was the same when I used to take public transportation -- riding the bus was like being inside a sardine can. Sometimes I couldn't breath and I had to get out early.
But today I had to go to the mall. When I moved out, I took all my clothes, but when I came back for the funeral, I didn't bring that much. Just a change of clothes and a suit. I've been relying on washing one pair of clothes while I wear the other all this time, but yesterday, I found a big rip in one of my jeans. So: off to the mall.
It was crowded, so I had to park at the top of the parking garage. And then, I don't know why, I looked down from the edge and I pictured my dead body on the pavement below.
I shook my head to fling away the bad thoughts. I walked down through the garage and I walked towards the opulent doors to the mall where I could already see giant crowds of people.
And as I walked, their faces peeled away, their bodies twisted, and they all became faceless and formless.
I ran away. Of course I ran away. Wouldn't you? I ran back to my car and I sat there trying to breath, trying to prove to myself I wasn't crazy. It's just your imagination, that's all. You're just imagining things.
But "imagining" is just a short jump to "hallucinating" and that equals crazy, right? Or I have some sort of sickness. Did my mom have the same sickness?
...is that why she committed suicide?
See you later,
Lonny
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Three Hopeful Thoughts
What the fuck was that?
No, seriously, what the fuck was that? Did someone just randomly decide to prank me by hacking my blog?
...I hope that was it. I really, really do. Some random fucker hacking this is better than the alternative. Because the alternative is that I wrote that myself and I really don't want to, you know, deal with that.
And I hope that whatever I saw outside my therapist's office was just some guy going to a costume party, going as, what was that weird internet meme? Whatever. Some guy dressed as whatever.
I hope that was a hacker and I hope I wasn't hallucinating.
And I hope that I'm not crazy.
See you later,
Lonny
No, seriously, what the fuck was that? Did someone just randomly decide to prank me by hacking my blog?
...I hope that was it. I really, really do. Some random fucker hacking this is better than the alternative. Because the alternative is that I wrote that myself and I really don't want to, you know, deal with that.
And I hope that whatever I saw outside my therapist's office was just some guy going to a costume party, going as, what was that weird internet meme? Whatever. Some guy dressed as whatever.
I hope that was a hacker and I hope I wasn't hallucinating.
And I hope that I'm not crazy.
See you later,
Lonny
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